A Tucker Max Moment

As with any night in college that there was not a test or project due the next day, any number of events could have occurred. On one such night my roommate Dub and I set out to the local beer store that would serve underage kids with horrible fake ID’s. I was 19 at the time and had an ID from Washington DC that stated I was 26 years old with brown eyes and weighed 220. Bear in mind I have blue eyes and weigh about 160. While it was not unusual to come to this convenience store, it was ironic that I was actually younger than Dub and I was the one buying the beers. But when you have attendants that don't speak very good English and are happy to make any kind of sale, identification and more importantly, age, does not become an issue. The beer was bought without any hassle. When we arrived back at our apartment, we found that we were the only ones there. Tommy headed home for the night, Soda was at his girlfriend’s, Millionaire was most likely at the library or one of his buddies’ apartments, and Sack was punching it, more commonly known as masturbating.

Dub and I got right to work playing Drinking Madden. This is a game in which for every first down you make, the opponent drinks 3 sips, every touchdown 7, and any defensive a touchdown you must chug a whole beer. Turnovers are worth five a piece while sacks are three. Needless to say, Beers were being consumed at a rapid rate. Within a few hours the scores were out of control and the case of beer was empty. I was on my way to passing out peacefully. As I stumbled into my bed, I did not realize my computer was still on, or more importantly that Dub was hammering away on my keyboard. This could only mean one thing. He was on my instant messenger and was up to no good. My last memory of that night was falling asleep to the ticking of the keyboard. The next thing I knew was I was drenched with what appeared to be a glass of water that awoke me from my drunken slumber. While I was wildly confused as to how I was all off a sudden soaked, I got up and walked to the bathroom. On my way back to my room the buzzer rang for our apartment. I walked over to the buzzer, pressed the button to stop the horrific noise and I walked back to my bed.

No sooner did I get into my bed than do I look up and see a shadowy figure standing in my room. At first I thought it was Dub, but I was immediately wrong when the shadowy figure spoke with a female voice. It was “Allison” whom bore a resemblance to Dub when seen in the dark. She was not a bus but she was not petite either. The next words that came from her voice were probably the most shocking I’d had heard to date. “Well are you going to fuck me or what?” Being a guy, and drunk at that I was not going to pass this opportunity up. Plus it is my belief that any hookup occurring after 2 in the morning and before 6 should not be held against anyone.

Relations were had and they were dismal. So dismal, I uttered the words, “well that was terrible.” She then screamed, “What? I am out of here!” This was followed by me saying “good” and rolling over and falling asleep.

The next morning I woke up to Soda screaming, “What the fuck is this?” Immediately all the roommates ran into the living room followed by my groggy self to see what the commotion was. Soda was in tears laughing pointing to the garbage where my sheets were, splattered in blood with a bloody condom on top of the sheets. I went to deny what was happening, but since I was the only roommate without sheets on my bed, I figured the denial was worthless. I then promptly headed to Wal-Mart with Dub to get some new sheets.

On the way there Dub offered me this: “I have a confession. I was online with “Allison” last night convincing her to come over. She thought she was talking to you since it was your screen name and I just had to keep going on with it. When she told me she had a vibrator and was playing with herself thinking of you, I had to invite her over right away. That’s when I dumped a glass of water on you and sprinted to my bed. In fairness when any girl says they are using a vibrator thinking of you, you have to invite them over don't you?"

Thanks Dub. I needed new sheets anyways.

Hustle