The Top 5 Argument

During the course of casual conversation a few weeks ago, the topic of the top 5 most attractive women in the world came up. It was quite a fun conversation hearing the various names pop up and how no one could really get a set in stone top 5. Since that conversation, I have put some serious thought into who, gun to my head, top 5 women that I like most in the world are. In other words, if I was the last man on earth, and there were 5 women with me, and all of procreation depended on me, I would not be the slightest bit upset. Without further adieu, I reveal to you my top 5!

5: Erin Andrews: Far and away the sexiest sideline reporter in the history of sports. When she arrives on a college campus, the student section goes bonkers, as they should! In fact, in 2007, she was voted Playboy's Sexiest Sportscaster. If Broadway Joe wanted to kiss Suzy Kolber on Monday Night Football, I can only imagine what Namath would like to do with Ms. Andrews.

4: Minka Kelly: You know her as Lyla Garrity from Friday Night Lights. She is also Derek Jeter's current girlfriend. That man has quite a resume. She is also the daughter of Aersmith guitarist, Ricky Dufay. All that aside she is quite a beauty while maintaining that girl next door image.

3. Stacy Keibler: The former WWE Diva is best known for her sensational legs. Considering legs are among my favorite features on a woman, you this girl had to make my top 5. Keibler was also a Baltimore Ravens cheerleader before she joined the WWE. After her stint with the WWE she appeared on "Dancing with the Stars." I have zero idea what she is doing now.

2:Emmanuelle Chriqui: I stumbled across Emmanuelle completely on accident one night when out of shear boredom I watched "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." It might have been one of the best "accidents" of my life. I quickly "IMDB'ed" her and she quickly shot into the top 5. The fact that I just got into "Entourage" is also helping her cause. But she doesn't not need any help. Plain and simple this girl is smoking.

1: Jennifer Aniston: The apple of my eye. The most beautiful woman walking the planet today. How Brad Pitt could dump her is beyond my realm of comprehension. I love Aniston for how simple she appears. That anyone could be this attractive without showing much effort or using plastic is astounding. I will go see "Marley and Me" simply because she is in it. Yes this woman would have me whipped out of my mind. And I would be proud of it.

-Hustle

Monopoly, Risk, Guess Who?, Etc.

To forewarn those who stumble upon this blog, the post that I am about to create is one that could be compared to being drunk and the thoughts that come in that state of mind. I will start with a topic that sounds like a good idea in my head and as I regurgitate the information I will then discover that I am either a. a genius or b. an idiot. Whichever I discover this I won't stop because I will either be attempting to save myself or living off the glory of a good idea (most likely the first).

Women. Look at that, you know this going haywire already. I have the hardest time cracking their case. I hate their games, I hate everything about how they work. However, I'm always going back for more. It's bizarre how they manage to do that. I'm in a situation right now where I am seeing this girl who is fun, good looking, and just an all around cool girl. One day, we can't stop texting and talking to each other. It's like high school all over again. The next day, stone cold, no response to a text, nothing. So, I stop contacting her and 24 hours later she starts it up again as if I were never ignored.

We've been out a few times alone and it's been great. It isn't uncomfortable at all, we always have something to say, we both enjoy the time and leave the date smiling. All we've done is kiss but, it is very apparent that neither of us want to push into anything to fast, if anything at all. We're just going with the flow, which I like. The last thing I need right now is a serious relationship or any kind of drama. I just turned 24, and yes I may be getting to age where some want to get married but, I just also just got out of a serious 3+ year relationship and I want to see what else is out there for a while. I'm not ruling anything out but, I'm keeping my options open. Keeping an open eye on the horizon as I enjoy the present.

I digress. Anyhow, why the games? Are the games really necessary? Does playing hard to get really increase a person's admiration for another. It certainly does. It sucks as much as the break up that my partner in crime talked about below but, it's part of life. So, here's my advice. Since you are going to get played in situations like this and the aforementioned break up, play the game yourself. Enjoy it. Make the most of it. Turn lemons into lemonade. Put your beer goggles on and make that "eh" girl look like a super model. Play the cards you've been dealt and make them fun, bluff if you have to. Just enjoy your life.

That's my best advice for you. Take it or leave it and do what you want with it because there are two ways to go about this. 1. You can mope and get sucked in their games or 2. you can enjoy a situation that can be potentially be awkward and just live in the moment. Enjoy life, because you only get one shot at and you only get one shot to be young. When you wake up in the morning you are a little bit older than you were the day before. You're losing time so, take advantage of the life you got and live it up now. Play the game. Get in the driver's seat and play the game on her because if you don't she's going to play you like a fiddle.

I know this is a jumbled post but, it's what is on my mind. It does make sense to those who find themselves in a situation like this so, do as I say, not as I do and play the game. Girls hate it, but they'll keep coming back. They love what they can't have more than guys do.

-Makine

It Happens...

There are many things in this world that I will fail to understand, no matter the effort I put into it. Who shot JFK, advanced mathematics, and women are chief among these conundrums. There is, however, one thing that I have learned in recent months that I thought I would never fully understand. It is something that we all go through and yet no one can really handle it with any amount of grace in my estimation. What I speak of my friends, is the dreaded break up. Everyone has gone through this hell. They have bad mouthed their ex’s, called friends to vent, drank themselves stupid, and have generally acted and thought in an irrational manner.
I believe the break up is especially tough for people of my generation. We grew up with Corey Matthews and Topanaga Lawrence, Zack Morris and Kelly Capowski, even Laura Winslow married Steve Urkel. Everything always had a happy ending.

We never saw a brutal breakup and the scars that it leaves. We never saw a couple breakup and go through the drastic measures of trying to bring their ex down as many pegs as possible. We never saw anyone cheat on their significant other ether because they were chemically imbalanced, couldn’t resist temptation, or were simply bored with the person they were with. These are all extremely harsh realities. My feeling is the breakup itself is not overly difficult, but the ensuing 2-3 months after its all said and done is the most arduous.

There is the worry that the ex has found someone else that they don’t think of you like you still think of them and the worry that whoever they are seeing is a lot “better” than you are. Today’s technological advances do not help this matter in the slightest. Facebook, Myspace and AIM are just a few of the tools that have allowed people to know close to anything they want about another person. It is quite possible to have something rubbed in your face through 7 different avenues. Heaven for bid, you should see each other out, live and in person.

What makes the aftermath of a breakup difficult is the mere fact that a male thinks through 3 different means. The first of which is the head (which is attached to the shoulders). Admittedly, this is the method in which we use the least. However it is the most sensible, intelligent, and practical of the trio. The problem lies within this triumvirate. The heart and the “other head” tend to intercept any ideas the brain might have. It is through these two means that we act unreasonably. The heart is essentially a big baby that needs to be coddled and cared for. The only way that hunger is satisfied is by having someone to be with. After the breakup has occurred, the heart will cause people to do the stupidest of things that seem like a good idea at the time to get someone back. No matter how much the brain will try to override the matter, the heart usually wins out and that’s what causes misery. Because you are alone you are constantly thinking of what your ex is doing.

The end always makes people think of the beginning. This happens so much that it clouds people’s memories of why things did not work out in the first place. For whatever reason we erase the bad memories and immediately think of everything that was good, no matter how trivial or minimal the good times were. Even if you get a “rebound person” chances are that was conjured up by the penis. And by labeling someone a rebound, you are still yearning for your ex. Lastly, if you hook up with the rebound, you mine as well stop at CVS and pick up a Valtrex prescription. Let’s face it guys our dicks will never be credited for being the brains behind curing cancer.

So what does all this mean? Is there a magical remedy for being able to “get over” someone any faster? No, absolutely not. To use a cliché, time heals all wounds. Nothing could be more true. Breakups happen to everyone. And there may be one or two that will leave an indelible mark on your life. Even the great Vincent Chase had trouble thinking properly after his breakup with Mandy Moore in Entourage, Brad and Jen ended, and so to did Ben and J-Lo.

The bottom line is everyone goes through a breakup and it sucks. Fall back on your friends, because (wait for it) that’s what friends are for. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and remember chances are you learned something from it and learning never hurt anybody.

-Hustle

Rule Number 5

I'm at the point in my life where I am still deemed as young but, still I am old enough to have seen some things that still boggle my mind. At my age I have seen enough to view trends (short-term obviously) and some trends shock the hell out of me. I work in the sports industry and the trend that shouldn't make me wonder about people in this world but, still does is the idiot fan. Fans that make total asses out of themselves on a consistent basis not because they want to entertain and be fun or even comical but, the ones that are complete morons.

To clarify, I'm all for a guy who cheers FOR his team and does it respectfully and tastefully. A witty comment now and again is all fine and good too. The fan that pumps up the crowd and gets everyone else excited and engaged is great too. Those passionate fans, are fantastic in my book. In fact, they make my job easier.

I'm talking about the ones that kick and stomp, get blackout wasted on a consistent basis with their kids there, and just yell and scream a bunch of bull that no one understands. I'm talking about the middle-aged man who shows up to a Friday night game smelling like booze already and then pounding at least 8 more through the night.

There is a season ticket holder where I work who does this all the time. He kicks the boards and has been approached multiple times by security and arena personnel to tone it down. He makes a scene because his BAC is flirting with a fatal .35. He then insists that he is being singled out and feels second rate. He feels that he should be able to do whatever he wants because he spends his hard-earned money to come to all these games.

Wrong. You are a man in your 50's who needs to understand that maturity is reality and that at that age you should have some sense of respect for rules and regulations. Where are these people's minds? What portion of their brain says "its ok to get wasted in public but, I don't want everyone staring at me." You act like a drunken moron but, you think it's weird that people stare at you in disgust? Get a clue. Be the responsible adult that you claim to be.

In closing, I'm sure people have problems behind closed doors that can have a tendency to spill into public. However, there is a line. Don't cross that line. Be normal and be fun but whatever you do, don't be an idiot. People, like myself, label you because you are stupid and make everyone else look bad. (Wedding Crashers reference alert) Rule number 5.

Idiots, The Oregon Trail, And You

This first post was written by my cousin who just recently graduated from Bowling Green with a degree in Sports Journalism. I felt it needed to be up here as it is a good start to what my partner and I will claim to be a "blog." Enjoy.

If you're like most kids ages 19-27 and spent a considerable portion of your youth fording rivers and bartering with Indians in the best game ever made (sans Tecmo Bowl), it's worth a read.

I'm tired of dealing with idiots, and unless you are one, I'm sure you are too. Although at times entertaining, idiots detract from society and my day more often than not. When I got to thinking about these people today, I realized there is really only one thing separating most people from the guy who insists he can beat the falling safety-bars at a railroad crossing -- the ability to make decisions in their best interest.

A logical person tries to make every decision in their best interest, that's just the way we're programmed to be. Idiots seemingly don't know how, or don't care, to make these decisions. They wear jorts in the winter, antagonize people they shouldn't and seem to be a day late and a dollar short most of their lives.

If only there were a way to diagnose these people at a young age, get them special help or have them isolated. If only there was some tool we could use.

Then, earlier today, I was inspired. I was listening to the police scanner (they're always on in newsrooms) as a guy ran from the police for over an hour after getting in a head-on collision with another car. This guy's decision was to run away, thus avoid being identified, thus avoid prosecution. Pretty terrible logic overall, but we've all seen worse. Then comes the best part -- his friend was pinned into the passenger seat. So what's he supposed to say in a best case scenerio? "Yeah I don't know the guy, he just picked me up off the side of the rode a half mile back."?

After hearing this I couldn't help but think to myself, "I'll bet this is the same guy who tries to float the river, loses half his oxen, then tries to reconcile his mistake by switching to grueling pace and bare-bones rations." A classic from bad to worse scenario.

Then it occurred to me -- this probably WAS the guy who did that. No one this bad at decision making ever made it all the way to the end. This is a guy who died of dysentery five minutes in, thought the game was rigged, then probably looked up cheat codes. The fact is that if you cannot beat Oregon Trail, a child's game, you don't deserve to live in the world making decisions with the rest of us.

If Oregon Trail is a test of ability to make good decisions, and ability to make good decisions is the test of an idiot, the transitive property of nostalgic video games says we must use the Oregon Trail to test for idiots!

So, here's my proposition:
-Have every student play the Oregon Trail in third grade. Those who succeed will be placed in one curriculum, those who do not will be placed in another.
-In fifth grade, everyone will be retested and assigned their curriculum accordingly.
-As an element of the No Child Left Behind Act, every student must beat the Oregon Trail before leaving elementary school.
-If unable to do so in consecutive years, the child will be mailed via FedEx to Cuba, Australia or Greenland (depending on allergies, skin fairness, etc...)

Here's the conversion chart for how it will work to actively root out idiots from our society:
(Mistake in Oregon Trail >>> Eventual idiot in real life)

Spends too much too early >>> Lives under an overpass, refuses to get a job
Buys too many oxen >>> Crippling pre-mature ejaculation (not an idiot, but worth noting)
Buys too few oxen >>> Pulls up next to you at a red light listening to Kid n' Play
Doesn't think profession matters >>> Guy who ALWAYS knows how to do EVERYTHING
Forgets clothing, dies from exposure >>> Forgets clothing, dies from exposure
Too much clothing, causes wagon collapse >>> Too much debt, causes economic collapse
Killing off friends in order to write dumb tombstone messages >>> Mass murderer
Killing off friends to show them they're dead (um, hilarious) >>> An asshole you work with
Dies of dysentery >>> Doesn't flush toilet in public places after shitting
Too many rations >>> Drains health care system with unhealthy lifestyle
Too few rations >>> Goes to prison for trying to feed baby dog food
Constant grueling pace >>> Incidentally, they beat their children
Constant slow pace >>> Drives 10-under in the passing lane
Forgets spare wheel, must trade for one >>> Uses sexual favors to get ahead
Refuses to hunt, dies of starvation >>> A member of PETA
Overhunts, moves too slow >>> Vice-president, shoots friend in face
Overhunts, pisses off Indians >>> Gangmember, killed by rival gang
Overhunts, meat spoils >>> Never leaves mom's basement, ranked nationally in Halo

So there you have it. Obviously this list is not a catch-all, but is a good guide. For example, did you hear about the Cardinals fans who vandalized Donovan McNabb's Arizona home after the NFC Championship game? Yeah, they left a box with "Go Cards" written on it... along with a sticker of the guy's address. Where did he go wrong in Oregon Trail? Could he turn the computer on? If we don't test, how can we know?