My Sacrifice

Wednesday, February 25, 2009 is Ash Wednesday. In the Catholic church this signifies the beginning of Lent. A season in which we, as Catholics, prepare for the Resurrection of Jesus Christ, more commonly known as Easter. Without getting into the nuts and bolts of what Lent means to Catholics, the primary way of observing Lent is to give something up. Some use this sacrifice as a stepping stone to quitting something that is a vice in their life such as smoking, others give up something they really enjoy such as ice cream, and some (like me in years past) give up something they know they can go without just to say they did it such as soda.

Now I am not an in your face Catholic by any means, although I was brought up going to church every Sunday morning and every holiday. Somewhere along the lines my beliefs became skewed due to some problems in the Church today. But that is another post for another time.

I do, however, believe that the season of Lent came at the right time for me. I am fresh off of a mental collapse for the ages. With seemingly nothing going right for me and with everything going seemingly perfect for others from my past, I essentially lost my mind to the point where I even allienated my best of friends. They were there for me without even a minutes hesitation and I was to screwed up to recognize it fully. Although I thanked them profusely for being there I still feel I screwed up royally.

As with any screw up of epic proportions there is the physical and mental hangovers. Physically I felt worse than being trapped in a dentist's chair at a Kid N Play concert. Mentally, I took inventory of my life. I knew I was embarassed about my actions and I certainly did not want them repeated. It is from that self evaulation I decided to take some steps to rectify what I view is wrong and implement them to make some improvement.

The first and most evil of all my vices is alcohol. I know the first step to a problem and yadda yadda but its beyond that. It use to be fun going out and having beers with the boys and having innocuous stories the next morning. What has changed is I use to be the one telling the stories the next morning and being able to poke fun at myself. Now I am having the stories told to me and being made fun of about them. No longer am I able to poke fun at myself because there is no fun in any of the stories, for anyone. Alcohol can be a poision and it has turned into that for me. When it gets in my blood, I become a totally different person and that needs to stop. Lord willing after 40 days, I will not be at all dependent on this poison.

While I understand this is going to be a true challenge and test of my will and requires my undivided attention, there is one more vice I need to rid myself of. As stupid and utterly ridiculous as this may sound, I am giving up Facebook/Myspace for Lent as well. Anyone who knows me, knows that I hold myself to very high standards. At the same time, I do not tolerate failure of myself well at all.

When I click around the Book lately, I see many people from my past are hugely successful. I see myself as anything but successful at the present time. I don't have that "real" job, I am not engaged and there's no one within 7 years of it, and none of my life's goals are anywhere within reach. The combination of mindlessly clicking around Facebook and being drunk while doing so, did not help my mental sanity. At the same time, do I really need to know what everyone is doing every 20 minutes?

I am sure I will be blogging about this upcoming time period. I know I will have my trials and tribulations with it. After all this is a far cry from giving up soda. But change needs to happen in my life and the only way that happens is if I change some things myself. I have learned improvement is not about improving yourself 100% its about improving 100 things about yourself 1% each.

So cheers all, I'll be the guy with the tonic in the corner if you need a ride home.

-Hustle

The Rodriguez Show

Stop. Please just stop all this madness with Alex Rodriguez. Stop the witch hunt to condemn everything he has done in his life. Get the man out from under the microscope. I beg of you. Please let me go a month without hearing anything about Alex Rodriguez, aside from what he does on the field. In my 23 years on this earth, I have never seen a man be scrutinized as much as he. I have never seen so many people determined to bring another human being down.

Let us look at all the non-stories that have become all to public before the real crap hit the fan these past few days.

*A-Rod is seen in Toronto with someone that is categorized as a "butch" stripper named Joslyn Morse. If I had to hazard a guess, I would say that about 60% of professional athletes go out to strip clubs. It is also my belief that about 30% of them cheat on their wives. Maybe I am being a little harsh here but I believe you understand my point. A-Rod is out with someone that is not his wife and 15 seconds later there are pictures all over the internet. And to pour salt in the wound we refer to her as "butch."

*A-Rod goes through his divorce. Many people are getting divorced nowadays, yet we enjoy the trauma A-Rod has to endure. On top of it all, he ends up allegedly dating Madonna. For this we make fun of him. We don't hassle Tony Romo because he is dating the now whale-esque Jessica Simpson. No, no we hop on A-Rod and love it.

*Every week there is a story out of New York about A-Rod's relationship with his teammates. Do his teammates support him? Why can't A-Rod be more like Jeter? Even his teammates call him A-Fraud! Why does this man have to endure this time and time again?

The answer is simple. Signing the infamous 10 year $252 million contract put A-Rod in a permanent spotlight. No one looks at the fact that, yeah, he just might "deserve" that kind of money. Here is a guy who played more than 155 games 7 times in his career. Here is a guy who puts up video game statistics year after year. He is the best player to ever play the game. As a Red Sox fan, he strikes fear into me every time I see him stride to the plate.

If we look at other icons in their respective sports, doesn't Kobe Bryant jump out at anyone? He raped a girl! RAPE! But oh no, let us scrutinize A-Rod for yelling "I got it" while he was running the bases in Toronto, distracting a player from making a routine catch. KOBE RAPED SOMEONE!

Although not the icon he used to be, Ray Lewis literally got away with MURDER! He KILLED 2 people! But wait a minute, did A-Rod slap a ball out of Bronson Arroyo's glove? Now that is a mortal sin! It is ok Ray, you can kill as many people as you like, and go onto play in a Super Bowl. We aren't going to care that you have taken the lives away from others. A-Rod is busy playing bush league baseball.

I am eternally grateful that A-Rod came out and admitted his steroid usage. He showed that he has the potential to be a man of character and principle in admitting his transgressions. Granted he was helped from prior instances. (See Bonds, Barry and Clemens, Roger vs. Giambi, Jason and Pettite, Andy.) I sincerely hope that this helps ease the spotlight on A-Rod. Let the man live his life, play his game, and not be under public duress for the rest of his life.

-Hustle

Expect the Unexpected

If I woke up tomorrow with my head sewn to the carpet, I wouldn't be more surprised than I am now.

I received a text message from a girl that I have been fighting like hell to get over for a couple of months now. Seems like a small innocuous act. The problem here is that I swear, I was in fact through with her and ready to tackle whatever was to be the next chapter of my life. I know this is true because I had not thought of this girl for a long time. That may seem meaningless on the surface, but when someone occupies your thoughts day and night, to the extent that they are the first thing you think of when you wake up, and the last before you get your shuteye, it is a huge step.

Alot of this story can be traced back to my "It Happens" post, I wrote not to long ago. Now I am at a complete loss for words due to a damn text message. Millions of questions have flooded my mind since. Why is she texting me? Why now? Do I respond? If so, what do I say?

After settling down, I thought about the scenario with as clear a head as possible. No logical reason came to me as to why she would text me. Last I knew she was perfectly happy with her boyfriend. I am not bitter or mad at her about anything. We became extremely close through all the crap we went through together. Because I still cared for her, I thought it necessary to take time to have some space between us. During that time I was able to "get over" the fact we were no longer together.

Now that I was finally at peace with myself, my phone vibrates in my pocket violently, scaring me half to death. And I am back to square one. Maybe it is all cyclical. Maybe Makine is right in that everything is a game. No matter how hard you try to be straight forward, there is always an edge or an upperhand to be had. I think it is completely bogus that person A can have such an effect on person B, that a simple dinky text message sends person B into an absolute frenzy.

No matter what the outcome of this seemingly trivial situation is, I have learned one thing. Expect the unexpected.

-Hustle

The Realities of Officiating

I recently attended a college basketball game to see my beloved Providence Friars take on the Villanova Wildcats. After being down by 20 with less than 9 minutes to go, I came very close to writing off my team. But then the Friars went on a frantic run to close within 1 with less than a minute remaining. Then the unthinkable happened. 3 completely, absolutely, God-awful calls were made by men that call themselves referees. To make a long story short, PC lost and there was a near riot in Providence with people calling for the refs' skulls on a platter. Most notably that of Timmy Higgins, undoubtedly the worst referee in the country by a large margin. He is so bad I know his name! How does that happen?

I have been involved in sports all of my life and have witnessed some great officiating and some poor officiating. The definition of great officiating in my eyes is when you do not even realize the referees are there. Referees are necessary to keep order in any sport. Rules are in place for them to enforce and they should not abuse them or ignore them. That is when trouble occurs.

I am currently a high school basketball coach and have had my fair share of experience with many different personalities in the reffing community. You have the cocky and arrogant "gentlemen" that believe they walk on water and are the second coming of Christ. In reality they are both (with respect to these cultures) blind and deaf. You have the guys that must let everyone in the gym, rink, or field know that they are in fact there by blowing their whistles repeatedly and running to the center of attention to point out some obscure ruling. You have the guys that show up and saunter through the game. They have no pride in their job and are clearly there to pick up their paycheck. Lastly, there are guys who come and put in a solid effort and are there to do their job. Unfortunately, these guys are in the vast minority.

I firmly believe that referees are never to be held responsible for a team winning or losing a game. Unfortunately, these past couple months I am starting to waver in that belief. They are a variable in which no one can control. More often than not I have seen games come down to the wire in recent weeks and a blown call is what determines the outcome. It is absurd!

Time and time again, I feel that officials come under heavy scrutiny. Tommy Heinsohn is notorious for letting refs know how he feels about how poor of a job they are doing. As he should. In the wake of the Tim Donaghy scandal in the NBA, refs are under even more of a microscope. Common sense would dictate that referees would be able to handle their position, call the game, and be done with their day. It is way to bad that there is nothing common about common sense.

I find it wildly unfair that a variable dictates the outcome of a contest. It is time something is done with sub par performance from lackluster officials. The integrity of sports is being compromised by people that have no clue what they are doing. It needs to stop and it needs to stop now.

-Hustle

A Tucker Max Moment

As with any night in college that there was not a test or project due the next day, any number of events could have occurred. On one such night my roommate Dub and I set out to the local beer store that would serve underage kids with horrible fake ID’s. I was 19 at the time and had an ID from Washington DC that stated I was 26 years old with brown eyes and weighed 220. Bear in mind I have blue eyes and weigh about 160. While it was not unusual to come to this convenience store, it was ironic that I was actually younger than Dub and I was the one buying the beers. But when you have attendants that don't speak very good English and are happy to make any kind of sale, identification and more importantly, age, does not become an issue. The beer was bought without any hassle. When we arrived back at our apartment, we found that we were the only ones there. Tommy headed home for the night, Soda was at his girlfriend’s, Millionaire was most likely at the library or one of his buddies’ apartments, and Sack was punching it, more commonly known as masturbating.

Dub and I got right to work playing Drinking Madden. This is a game in which for every first down you make, the opponent drinks 3 sips, every touchdown 7, and any defensive a touchdown you must chug a whole beer. Turnovers are worth five a piece while sacks are three. Needless to say, Beers were being consumed at a rapid rate. Within a few hours the scores were out of control and the case of beer was empty. I was on my way to passing out peacefully. As I stumbled into my bed, I did not realize my computer was still on, or more importantly that Dub was hammering away on my keyboard. This could only mean one thing. He was on my instant messenger and was up to no good. My last memory of that night was falling asleep to the ticking of the keyboard. The next thing I knew was I was drenched with what appeared to be a glass of water that awoke me from my drunken slumber. While I was wildly confused as to how I was all off a sudden soaked, I got up and walked to the bathroom. On my way back to my room the buzzer rang for our apartment. I walked over to the buzzer, pressed the button to stop the horrific noise and I walked back to my bed.

No sooner did I get into my bed than do I look up and see a shadowy figure standing in my room. At first I thought it was Dub, but I was immediately wrong when the shadowy figure spoke with a female voice. It was “Allison” whom bore a resemblance to Dub when seen in the dark. She was not a bus but she was not petite either. The next words that came from her voice were probably the most shocking I’d had heard to date. “Well are you going to fuck me or what?” Being a guy, and drunk at that I was not going to pass this opportunity up. Plus it is my belief that any hookup occurring after 2 in the morning and before 6 should not be held against anyone.

Relations were had and they were dismal. So dismal, I uttered the words, “well that was terrible.” She then screamed, “What? I am out of here!” This was followed by me saying “good” and rolling over and falling asleep.

The next morning I woke up to Soda screaming, “What the fuck is this?” Immediately all the roommates ran into the living room followed by my groggy self to see what the commotion was. Soda was in tears laughing pointing to the garbage where my sheets were, splattered in blood with a bloody condom on top of the sheets. I went to deny what was happening, but since I was the only roommate without sheets on my bed, I figured the denial was worthless. I then promptly headed to Wal-Mart with Dub to get some new sheets.

On the way there Dub offered me this: “I have a confession. I was online with “Allison” last night convincing her to come over. She thought she was talking to you since it was your screen name and I just had to keep going on with it. When she told me she had a vibrator and was playing with herself thinking of you, I had to invite her over right away. That’s when I dumped a glass of water on you and sprinted to my bed. In fairness when any girl says they are using a vibrator thinking of you, you have to invite them over don't you?"

Thanks Dub. I needed new sheets anyways.

Hustle

The Top 5 Argument

During the course of casual conversation a few weeks ago, the topic of the top 5 most attractive women in the world came up. It was quite a fun conversation hearing the various names pop up and how no one could really get a set in stone top 5. Since that conversation, I have put some serious thought into who, gun to my head, top 5 women that I like most in the world are. In other words, if I was the last man on earth, and there were 5 women with me, and all of procreation depended on me, I would not be the slightest bit upset. Without further adieu, I reveal to you my top 5!

5: Erin Andrews: Far and away the sexiest sideline reporter in the history of sports. When she arrives on a college campus, the student section goes bonkers, as they should! In fact, in 2007, she was voted Playboy's Sexiest Sportscaster. If Broadway Joe wanted to kiss Suzy Kolber on Monday Night Football, I can only imagine what Namath would like to do with Ms. Andrews.

4: Minka Kelly: You know her as Lyla Garrity from Friday Night Lights. She is also Derek Jeter's current girlfriend. That man has quite a resume. She is also the daughter of Aersmith guitarist, Ricky Dufay. All that aside she is quite a beauty while maintaining that girl next door image.

3. Stacy Keibler: The former WWE Diva is best known for her sensational legs. Considering legs are among my favorite features on a woman, you this girl had to make my top 5. Keibler was also a Baltimore Ravens cheerleader before she joined the WWE. After her stint with the WWE she appeared on "Dancing with the Stars." I have zero idea what she is doing now.

2:Emmanuelle Chriqui: I stumbled across Emmanuelle completely on accident one night when out of shear boredom I watched "You Don't Mess with the Zohan." It might have been one of the best "accidents" of my life. I quickly "IMDB'ed" her and she quickly shot into the top 5. The fact that I just got into "Entourage" is also helping her cause. But she doesn't not need any help. Plain and simple this girl is smoking.

1: Jennifer Aniston: The apple of my eye. The most beautiful woman walking the planet today. How Brad Pitt could dump her is beyond my realm of comprehension. I love Aniston for how simple she appears. That anyone could be this attractive without showing much effort or using plastic is astounding. I will go see "Marley and Me" simply because she is in it. Yes this woman would have me whipped out of my mind. And I would be proud of it.

-Hustle

Monopoly, Risk, Guess Who?, Etc.

To forewarn those who stumble upon this blog, the post that I am about to create is one that could be compared to being drunk and the thoughts that come in that state of mind. I will start with a topic that sounds like a good idea in my head and as I regurgitate the information I will then discover that I am either a. a genius or b. an idiot. Whichever I discover this I won't stop because I will either be attempting to save myself or living off the glory of a good idea (most likely the first).

Women. Look at that, you know this going haywire already. I have the hardest time cracking their case. I hate their games, I hate everything about how they work. However, I'm always going back for more. It's bizarre how they manage to do that. I'm in a situation right now where I am seeing this girl who is fun, good looking, and just an all around cool girl. One day, we can't stop texting and talking to each other. It's like high school all over again. The next day, stone cold, no response to a text, nothing. So, I stop contacting her and 24 hours later she starts it up again as if I were never ignored.

We've been out a few times alone and it's been great. It isn't uncomfortable at all, we always have something to say, we both enjoy the time and leave the date smiling. All we've done is kiss but, it is very apparent that neither of us want to push into anything to fast, if anything at all. We're just going with the flow, which I like. The last thing I need right now is a serious relationship or any kind of drama. I just turned 24, and yes I may be getting to age where some want to get married but, I just also just got out of a serious 3+ year relationship and I want to see what else is out there for a while. I'm not ruling anything out but, I'm keeping my options open. Keeping an open eye on the horizon as I enjoy the present.

I digress. Anyhow, why the games? Are the games really necessary? Does playing hard to get really increase a person's admiration for another. It certainly does. It sucks as much as the break up that my partner in crime talked about below but, it's part of life. So, here's my advice. Since you are going to get played in situations like this and the aforementioned break up, play the game yourself. Enjoy it. Make the most of it. Turn lemons into lemonade. Put your beer goggles on and make that "eh" girl look like a super model. Play the cards you've been dealt and make them fun, bluff if you have to. Just enjoy your life.

That's my best advice for you. Take it or leave it and do what you want with it because there are two ways to go about this. 1. You can mope and get sucked in their games or 2. you can enjoy a situation that can be potentially be awkward and just live in the moment. Enjoy life, because you only get one shot at and you only get one shot to be young. When you wake up in the morning you are a little bit older than you were the day before. You're losing time so, take advantage of the life you got and live it up now. Play the game. Get in the driver's seat and play the game on her because if you don't she's going to play you like a fiddle.

I know this is a jumbled post but, it's what is on my mind. It does make sense to those who find themselves in a situation like this so, do as I say, not as I do and play the game. Girls hate it, but they'll keep coming back. They love what they can't have more than guys do.

-Makine

It Happens...

There are many things in this world that I will fail to understand, no matter the effort I put into it. Who shot JFK, advanced mathematics, and women are chief among these conundrums. There is, however, one thing that I have learned in recent months that I thought I would never fully understand. It is something that we all go through and yet no one can really handle it with any amount of grace in my estimation. What I speak of my friends, is the dreaded break up. Everyone has gone through this hell. They have bad mouthed their ex’s, called friends to vent, drank themselves stupid, and have generally acted and thought in an irrational manner.
I believe the break up is especially tough for people of my generation. We grew up with Corey Matthews and Topanaga Lawrence, Zack Morris and Kelly Capowski, even Laura Winslow married Steve Urkel. Everything always had a happy ending.

We never saw a brutal breakup and the scars that it leaves. We never saw a couple breakup and go through the drastic measures of trying to bring their ex down as many pegs as possible. We never saw anyone cheat on their significant other ether because they were chemically imbalanced, couldn’t resist temptation, or were simply bored with the person they were with. These are all extremely harsh realities. My feeling is the breakup itself is not overly difficult, but the ensuing 2-3 months after its all said and done is the most arduous.

There is the worry that the ex has found someone else that they don’t think of you like you still think of them and the worry that whoever they are seeing is a lot “better” than you are. Today’s technological advances do not help this matter in the slightest. Facebook, Myspace and AIM are just a few of the tools that have allowed people to know close to anything they want about another person. It is quite possible to have something rubbed in your face through 7 different avenues. Heaven for bid, you should see each other out, live and in person.

What makes the aftermath of a breakup difficult is the mere fact that a male thinks through 3 different means. The first of which is the head (which is attached to the shoulders). Admittedly, this is the method in which we use the least. However it is the most sensible, intelligent, and practical of the trio. The problem lies within this triumvirate. The heart and the “other head” tend to intercept any ideas the brain might have. It is through these two means that we act unreasonably. The heart is essentially a big baby that needs to be coddled and cared for. The only way that hunger is satisfied is by having someone to be with. After the breakup has occurred, the heart will cause people to do the stupidest of things that seem like a good idea at the time to get someone back. No matter how much the brain will try to override the matter, the heart usually wins out and that’s what causes misery. Because you are alone you are constantly thinking of what your ex is doing.

The end always makes people think of the beginning. This happens so much that it clouds people’s memories of why things did not work out in the first place. For whatever reason we erase the bad memories and immediately think of everything that was good, no matter how trivial or minimal the good times were. Even if you get a “rebound person” chances are that was conjured up by the penis. And by labeling someone a rebound, you are still yearning for your ex. Lastly, if you hook up with the rebound, you mine as well stop at CVS and pick up a Valtrex prescription. Let’s face it guys our dicks will never be credited for being the brains behind curing cancer.

So what does all this mean? Is there a magical remedy for being able to “get over” someone any faster? No, absolutely not. To use a cliché, time heals all wounds. Nothing could be more true. Breakups happen to everyone. And there may be one or two that will leave an indelible mark on your life. Even the great Vincent Chase had trouble thinking properly after his breakup with Mandy Moore in Entourage, Brad and Jen ended, and so to did Ben and J-Lo.

The bottom line is everyone goes through a breakup and it sucks. Fall back on your friends, because (wait for it) that’s what friends are for. Pick yourself up and dust yourself off and remember chances are you learned something from it and learning never hurt anybody.

-Hustle

Rule Number 5

I'm at the point in my life where I am still deemed as young but, still I am old enough to have seen some things that still boggle my mind. At my age I have seen enough to view trends (short-term obviously) and some trends shock the hell out of me. I work in the sports industry and the trend that shouldn't make me wonder about people in this world but, still does is the idiot fan. Fans that make total asses out of themselves on a consistent basis not because they want to entertain and be fun or even comical but, the ones that are complete morons.

To clarify, I'm all for a guy who cheers FOR his team and does it respectfully and tastefully. A witty comment now and again is all fine and good too. The fan that pumps up the crowd and gets everyone else excited and engaged is great too. Those passionate fans, are fantastic in my book. In fact, they make my job easier.

I'm talking about the ones that kick and stomp, get blackout wasted on a consistent basis with their kids there, and just yell and scream a bunch of bull that no one understands. I'm talking about the middle-aged man who shows up to a Friday night game smelling like booze already and then pounding at least 8 more through the night.

There is a season ticket holder where I work who does this all the time. He kicks the boards and has been approached multiple times by security and arena personnel to tone it down. He makes a scene because his BAC is flirting with a fatal .35. He then insists that he is being singled out and feels second rate. He feels that he should be able to do whatever he wants because he spends his hard-earned money to come to all these games.

Wrong. You are a man in your 50's who needs to understand that maturity is reality and that at that age you should have some sense of respect for rules and regulations. Where are these people's minds? What portion of their brain says "its ok to get wasted in public but, I don't want everyone staring at me." You act like a drunken moron but, you think it's weird that people stare at you in disgust? Get a clue. Be the responsible adult that you claim to be.

In closing, I'm sure people have problems behind closed doors that can have a tendency to spill into public. However, there is a line. Don't cross that line. Be normal and be fun but whatever you do, don't be an idiot. People, like myself, label you because you are stupid and make everyone else look bad. (Wedding Crashers reference alert) Rule number 5.

Idiots, The Oregon Trail, And You

This first post was written by my cousin who just recently graduated from Bowling Green with a degree in Sports Journalism. I felt it needed to be up here as it is a good start to what my partner and I will claim to be a "blog." Enjoy.

If you're like most kids ages 19-27 and spent a considerable portion of your youth fording rivers and bartering with Indians in the best game ever made (sans Tecmo Bowl), it's worth a read.

I'm tired of dealing with idiots, and unless you are one, I'm sure you are too. Although at times entertaining, idiots detract from society and my day more often than not. When I got to thinking about these people today, I realized there is really only one thing separating most people from the guy who insists he can beat the falling safety-bars at a railroad crossing -- the ability to make decisions in their best interest.

A logical person tries to make every decision in their best interest, that's just the way we're programmed to be. Idiots seemingly don't know how, or don't care, to make these decisions. They wear jorts in the winter, antagonize people they shouldn't and seem to be a day late and a dollar short most of their lives.

If only there were a way to diagnose these people at a young age, get them special help or have them isolated. If only there was some tool we could use.

Then, earlier today, I was inspired. I was listening to the police scanner (they're always on in newsrooms) as a guy ran from the police for over an hour after getting in a head-on collision with another car. This guy's decision was to run away, thus avoid being identified, thus avoid prosecution. Pretty terrible logic overall, but we've all seen worse. Then comes the best part -- his friend was pinned into the passenger seat. So what's he supposed to say in a best case scenerio? "Yeah I don't know the guy, he just picked me up off the side of the rode a half mile back."?

After hearing this I couldn't help but think to myself, "I'll bet this is the same guy who tries to float the river, loses half his oxen, then tries to reconcile his mistake by switching to grueling pace and bare-bones rations." A classic from bad to worse scenario.

Then it occurred to me -- this probably WAS the guy who did that. No one this bad at decision making ever made it all the way to the end. This is a guy who died of dysentery five minutes in, thought the game was rigged, then probably looked up cheat codes. The fact is that if you cannot beat Oregon Trail, a child's game, you don't deserve to live in the world making decisions with the rest of us.

If Oregon Trail is a test of ability to make good decisions, and ability to make good decisions is the test of an idiot, the transitive property of nostalgic video games says we must use the Oregon Trail to test for idiots!

So, here's my proposition:
-Have every student play the Oregon Trail in third grade. Those who succeed will be placed in one curriculum, those who do not will be placed in another.
-In fifth grade, everyone will be retested and assigned their curriculum accordingly.
-As an element of the No Child Left Behind Act, every student must beat the Oregon Trail before leaving elementary school.
-If unable to do so in consecutive years, the child will be mailed via FedEx to Cuba, Australia or Greenland (depending on allergies, skin fairness, etc...)

Here's the conversion chart for how it will work to actively root out idiots from our society:
(Mistake in Oregon Trail >>> Eventual idiot in real life)

Spends too much too early >>> Lives under an overpass, refuses to get a job
Buys too many oxen >>> Crippling pre-mature ejaculation (not an idiot, but worth noting)
Buys too few oxen >>> Pulls up next to you at a red light listening to Kid n' Play
Doesn't think profession matters >>> Guy who ALWAYS knows how to do EVERYTHING
Forgets clothing, dies from exposure >>> Forgets clothing, dies from exposure
Too much clothing, causes wagon collapse >>> Too much debt, causes economic collapse
Killing off friends in order to write dumb tombstone messages >>> Mass murderer
Killing off friends to show them they're dead (um, hilarious) >>> An asshole you work with
Dies of dysentery >>> Doesn't flush toilet in public places after shitting
Too many rations >>> Drains health care system with unhealthy lifestyle
Too few rations >>> Goes to prison for trying to feed baby dog food
Constant grueling pace >>> Incidentally, they beat their children
Constant slow pace >>> Drives 10-under in the passing lane
Forgets spare wheel, must trade for one >>> Uses sexual favors to get ahead
Refuses to hunt, dies of starvation >>> A member of PETA
Overhunts, moves too slow >>> Vice-president, shoots friend in face
Overhunts, pisses off Indians >>> Gangmember, killed by rival gang
Overhunts, meat spoils >>> Never leaves mom's basement, ranked nationally in Halo

So there you have it. Obviously this list is not a catch-all, but is a good guide. For example, did you hear about the Cardinals fans who vandalized Donovan McNabb's Arizona home after the NFC Championship game? Yeah, they left a box with "Go Cards" written on it... along with a sticker of the guy's address. Where did he go wrong in Oregon Trail? Could he turn the computer on? If we don't test, how can we know?