This first post was written by my cousin who just recently graduated from Bowling Green with a degree in Sports Journalism. I felt it needed to be up here as it is a good start to what my partner and I will claim to be a "blog." Enjoy.
If you're like most kids ages 19-27 and spent a considerable portion of your youth fording rivers and bartering with Indians in the best game ever made (sans Tecmo Bowl), it's worth a read.
I'm tired of dealing with idiots, and unless you are one, I'm sure you are too. Although at times entertaining, idiots detract from society and my day more often than not. When I got to thinking about these people today, I realized there is really only one thing separating most people from the guy who insists he can beat the falling safety-bars at a railroad crossing -- the ability to make decisions in their best interest.
A logical person tries to make every decision in their best interest, that's just the way we're programmed to be. Idiots seemingly don't know how, or don't care, to make these decisions. They wear jorts in the winter, antagonize people they shouldn't and seem to be a day late and a dollar short most of their lives.
If only there were a way to diagnose these people at a young age, get them special help or have them isolated. If only there was some tool we could use.
Then, earlier today, I was inspired. I was listening to the police scanner (they're always on in newsrooms) as a guy ran from the police for over an hour after getting in a head-on collision with another car. This guy's decision was to run away, thus avoid being identified, thus avoid prosecution. Pretty terrible logic overall, but we've all seen worse. Then comes the best part -- his friend was pinned into the passenger seat. So what's he supposed to say in a best case scenerio? "Yeah I don't know the guy, he just picked me up off the side of the rode a half mile back."?
After hearing this I couldn't help but think to myself, "I'll bet this is the same guy who tries to float the river, loses half his oxen, then tries to reconcile his mistake by switching to grueling pace and bare-bones rations." A classic from bad to worse scenario.
Then it occurred to me -- this probably WAS the guy who did that. No one this bad at decision making ever made it all the way to the end. This is a guy who died of dysentery five minutes in, thought the game was rigged, then probably looked up cheat codes. The fact is that if you cannot beat Oregon Trail, a child's game, you don't deserve to live in the world making decisions with the rest of us.
If Oregon Trail is a test of ability to make good decisions, and ability to make good decisions is the test of an idiot, the transitive property of nostalgic video games says we must use the Oregon Trail to test for idiots!
So, here's my proposition:
-Have every student play the Oregon Trail in third grade. Those who succeed will be placed in one curriculum, those who do not will be placed in another.
-In fifth grade, everyone will be retested and assigned their curriculum accordingly.
-As an element of the No Child Left Behind Act, every student must beat the Oregon Trail before leaving elementary school.
-If unable to do so in consecutive years, the child will be mailed via FedEx to Cuba, Australia or Greenland (depending on allergies, skin fairness, etc...)
Here's the conversion chart for how it will work to actively root out idiots from our society:
(Mistake in Oregon Trail >>> Eventual idiot in real life)
Spends too much too early >>> Lives under an overpass, refuses to get a job
Buys too many oxen >>> Crippling pre-mature ejaculation (not an idiot, but worth noting)
Buys too few oxen >>> Pulls up next to you at a red light listening to Kid n' Play
Doesn't think profession matters >>> Guy who ALWAYS knows how to do EVERYTHING
Forgets clothing, dies from exposure >>> Forgets clothing, dies from exposure
Too much clothing, causes wagon collapse >>> Too much debt, causes economic collapse
Killing off friends in order to write dumb tombstone messages >>> Mass murderer
Killing off friends to show them they're dead (um, hilarious) >>> An asshole you work with
Dies of dysentery >>> Doesn't flush toilet in public places after shitting
Too many rations >>> Drains health care system with unhealthy lifestyle
Too few rations >>> Goes to prison for trying to feed baby dog food
Constant grueling pace >>> Incidentally, they beat their children
Constant slow pace >>> Drives 10-under in the passing lane
Forgets spare wheel, must trade for one >>> Uses sexual favors to get ahead
Refuses to hunt, dies of starvation >>> A member of PETA
Overhunts, moves too slow >>> Vice-president, shoots friend in face
Overhunts, pisses off Indians >>> Gangmember, killed by rival gang
Overhunts, meat spoils >>> Never leaves mom's basement, ranked nationally in Halo
So there you have it. Obviously this list is not a catch-all, but is a good guide. For example, did you hear about the Cardinals fans who vandalized Donovan McNabb's Arizona home after the NFC Championship game? Yeah, they left a box with "Go Cards" written on it... along with a sticker of the guy's address. Where did he go wrong in Oregon Trail? Could he turn the computer on? If we don't test, how can we know?
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